Sarah Failin

I haven’t made a post in ages because I considered Sarah Palin a non-entity.  Irrelevant. A big “whatever” in the world of politics.

But Failin’ Palin has something up her sleeve.  Why else would she say she’s resigning as the Governor of Alaska.

Let’s see if we can come up with some reasons:

1. She’s pregnant. With Governor Sanford’s baby.

2.  She (along with the Alaska Independence Party and Todd Palin) are seceeding from the U.S.   And since she will no longer be a U.S. citizen, she can’t be governor.

3. She wants more time to go hike the AppalachianTrail since she heard such good things about it from Sanford.

4. She thinks “resign the Governor’s office” and “redesign the Governor’s office” mean the same thing.  (And here she was hoping the RNC would spring for the office makeover.)

5.  She’s… ACK!!!!… running for president in 2012.

Dear Lord, save us. Amen.

The U.S. is ecstatic. The world has breathed a sigh of relief.  And what a historic event!  The first black man has been elected to the highest office in the land.

But this just in… Sarah Failin Palin would like me to remind you that it would have been a historic election if the McCain / Palin ticket won. No, not because McCain would have been the oldest.  And not because Sarah Failin would have been the first female VP.

 No, a McCain /Failin win would have been historic because it would have taken the Bush/Cheney “war mongering” dumb-as-a-brick adminstration to a whole new level. 

Aren’t you glad we didn’t elect, McCain, who crashed planes and graduated at the bottom of his class? And aren’t you glad we didn’t elect Sarah Failin, who still doesn’t even know what a vice president DOES?

*whew*

Congratulations to Barack Obama… and to AMERICA!

Governor Failin Palin has said she’ll be an advocate for special needs children in the White House.  And in practically the next breath, she said she’d cut funding on fruit fly projects.

 Some advocate.  Governor Failin mustn’t realize that fruit fly research has aided autistic research greatly.  But never mind, eh?  I guess “special needs” only refers to kids like Trig Palin.

Here now is a list of how Failin Palin will advocate for special needs and other issues…

1.  Kids who don’t know what the vice president does will get a special visit to their school from a Vice President Sarah Palin.  These visits will start just as soon as someone explains to Failin Palin what a vice president does.

2.  Special needs children will be defined as those whose families can’t afford $150,000 in clothing.  If you can’t afford to shop at high-end stores, the Republican National Committee will take you on a shopping spree.

3.  If you make up a crazy lie about getting attacked by an Obama supporter, you’ll get a sympathetic phone call from John McCain and Sarah Palin.  The phone call will go something like this, “It’s ok you lied.  We lie all the time too.  By the way — would you like a Cabinent position?”

4.  If you don’t have a Christian God, a minister will be appointed to you until such time that you fully believe… or at least until you start voting Republican.  After all, Palin herself says, “God will do the right thing for America” on November 4th.

5.  If you don’t live in the Pro-America — AKA the “real” parts of this country — and yet you want to vote for McCain / Palin, then your moving expenses will be paid for in full by a McCain/Palin adminstration.

 Sarah Palin is a REAL maverick!  She’s going to shake up Washington!  She’s going to get rid of the wasteful expenditures and corrupt practices!

Unless the wasted money and shady practices benefit her, of course…

1.  Gov. Failin Palin charged Alaska for her children to travel with her, including to events where they were not invited, and later amended expense reports to specify they were on official business, according to the Associated Press.    Tsk, tsk.

2.  I love this one: Republicans spent $150,000 to buy clothes for the Sarah Palin and her family.  That includes $4700 for hair and makeup.

Did YOU contribute to the Republican National Convention (RNC)?  If so, how do you like the fact that your money went towards eyeliner for Governor Failin?  heh.

Maybe you’re thinking that Sarah Palin went on Saturday night live to reach out to the younger demographic.  Seems like people elect leaders they “want to have a beer with,” so it makes sense for these leaders to get on shows like SNL… right?

 Usually, yes.  But tis not true in Sarah Failin Palin’s case.  She did NOT go on SNL to help her VP campaign.  She went on SNL for an audition.  After all, what’s she going to do after the election?  She sure ain’t going to the White House, that’s for sure.

Here are ten things Sarah Failin Palin can do on November 5th:

1. Become the new “Tina Fey” on Saturday Night Live.  Includes kicking Amy P. off the Weekend Update anchor desk.  Then Palin can replace the rest of the cast with her high school friends.

2. Go into taxidermy.  Specialize in moose mounting.

3. Become a lie detector tester.  Just as former hackers help companies improve the security of their websites, Sarah Failin Palin can help lie detector manufacturers make better lie detectors.

4. Talk to Dick Cheney about his underground bunker.  Then build one back in Alaska, because the Troopergate fiasco will still be looming over her head.

5.  Start building the “Bridge to Nowhere” herself by hand.  (After all, she directed the state to build  the Road to Nowhere, so it seems silly at this point not to build the bridge, too.)  Gives Palin something to occupy her time while she waits for 2012.

6. Audition for the sequel to the movie “Fargo.”  Bonus: Failin Palin is the only one who doesn’t have to fake the accent.

7.  Sarah can join (and Todd Palin can rejoin) the radical Alaska Independence Party (AIP).  Then Alaska can secede from the U.S. and Sarah Palin can become president of Alaska. *

8. Go to law school to help buff up her resume for her inevitable presidential run.  Palin should go now while she’s still young, as it will likely take her at least twenty years and ten different schools to get her law degree.

9. Become an ordained minister. Then Palin can officially unite all the teens she wants to force into unhappy shotgun marriages.  Bonus: Her constituents congregation won’t be surprised when she uses phrases like “task from God.”

10.  Babysit for her new grandchild and all the other grandchildren of people who believe abstinence-only education is the best policy.

* Hat tip to Don H. for that idea.

In a shocking announcement, John McCain booted Sarah Palin from the VP slot and replaced her with Joe the Plumber.

Yes, it’s true that Joe’s first name is actually Samuel.

And it’s true that Joe made about $40k in 2006, so his worries about his tax future are premature.

And yeah, Joe is so worried about paying taxes that he hasn’t even paid some of ‘em.

But none of that matters.  That’s because not paying your taxes pales in comparison to Troopergate.  And worrying about a tax for those making over a quarter million dollars (when you’re pulling down $40,000) is laughable next to things like the “Thanks, but no thanks” claims on the Bridge to Nowhere.  Plus now Joe the Plumber has given more press conferences than Palin — and he did BETTER!

Thanks for the laughs, Failin Palin.  We’re glad we knew you for those six weeks.  And hellooooo Joe!

Some people say McCain’s time in the Hanoi Hilton messed him.  I don’t know — that’s not for me to say.  But you gotta wonder…

Last night’s debate between Barack Obama and John McCain gave those of us who’ve never been on the inside of the “Big House” an idea of what death row looks like.  Just imagine a bunch of John McCain-like folks sitting in cells, knowing there’s a countdown clock on their life.  (Except in the case of John McCain, that clock is ticking down his political life.)

 I’ve always imagined death row to be a bit looney.  The people sentenced to die have to be few fries short of a happy meal to do whatever crime they committed.  And just sitting there waiting to die must make a few snakes crawl into their head.

That’s why I imagine Death Row to be full of cackling, maniacal laughter and smarmy “used car dealer” smiles.  You know what I’m talking about — the kind of stuff you saw coming out of John McCain last night.

Meanwhile, there’s “cool as a cucumber” Barack Obama.  He’s like the warden.  He’s just a professional doing his job.  He doesn’t let the Death Row antics get under his skin.  He knows these poor inmates have no pleasure left in life except to prod him and try to rattle him.

It doesn’t work.  Try as John McCain did last night to get under Obama’s skin, he couldn’t.  He couldn’t rattle him.  He couldn’t make Obama look less presidential and professional.  He couldn’t force an error or a gaffe.

 Obama remained cool.  Maybe he felt pity for the old man, almost as if he could see the political clock ticking over John McCain’s head.  And Obama knew it would be just matter of time — 19 days to be exact — when we’d hear the call throughout the U.S. as John McCain is lead away, “Dead man walking…”

Why did Sarah Palin buy a new shotgun?

Because her daughter is getting married.

==========

Why is voting Sarah Palin in as VP like hiring a hooker?

Either way, you’re screwed.

==========

Why did McCain pick Sarah Palin as VP?

Because he thinks we won’t have to pay her as much as a man.

==========

How long can a human live without brains?

Depends.  How old is Sarah Palin?

==========

 What’s the difference between Sarah Palin and yogurt?

Yogurt has culture.

==========

The McCain camp wants to send Sarah Palin to Nicaragua to flesh out her foreign policy experience.  Governor Palin says she can’t wait to see the falls.

==========

Why is Dolly Parton mad at McCain and Palin?

Because they are the two biggest boobs in the world.

==========

Sarah Palin was asked what she thought of the English Channel.  Her reply?  I don’t watch much TV.

==========

What is the difference between voting for a McCain/Palin ticket and childbirth?

One is an excruciating, painful, unbearable experience that gets you screaming in agony. The other is just having a baby.

==========

Sarah Palin comes home from hunting and says, “I shot a big elk!”

Todd asks, “Are you going to have him mounted?”

“Nah,” Sarah says, “I’ll just mount his membership card.”

==========

Why does Sarah Palin act like such as idiot?

Who says she’s acting?

==========

More to come… 

Governor Failin seems to relish her role as the McCain campaign attack dog.

Saying things like Obama is “palling around with terrorists” slides off her tongue as easily as a pig sliding down a greased chute.

Saying things like, “he’s not like us” and “he doesn’t see America the way we do” sets up an ugly “us and them” contrast — as if Obama (”them”) is a closet terrorist and the “us” are the white, hardworking Americans.

All of this naturally lead to rowdy rallies where McCain and Palin’s audience yelled things like “terrorist” and “traitor” and “treason” and “off with his head” with regards to Obama.  It also resulted in racial slurs being hurled at an unsuspecting TV network crew member.

No one was surprised, save for the feigned surprise of the McCain camp.

But now there’s new evidence that perhaps the reason Sarah Failin Palin so relishes her role as attack dog — why she relishes whipping racists into a frenzy and setting up an “us” and “them” contrast — is perhaps because she’s had her own troubles with the African-American community.  Maybe Sarah Palin is a racist.

Consider this…

Sarah Failin Palin refused to hire minority staffers.

Sarah Palin refused to allow black business leaders sit on the Alaskan oil and gas pipeline board.

And worse yet, she’s the first Alaskan Governor to not recognize the Juneteenth celebration of the emancipation proclamation.

Why?

Perhaps she thinks black people aren’t “like us.”  Perhaps she thinks black people don’t “see America the way you and I do.”

Perhaps Governor Sarah Palin is someone who’s racist feelings are finally being revealed…

What do you think?  Is Sarah Palin a racist?