Archive for the ‘Sarah Palin’ Category
… and apparently she’s so happy to be working with a “fair and balanced” news agency.
I have one word for that: PFFFFFFFT!
Fair and balanced? I can’t use those two words in the same sentence alongside the words “Fox” or “Sarah Palin” without breaking out into a big ol’ belly laugh.
So, anyone want to venture a guess as to why Sarah Palin joined Fox? Here are a few possible reasons:
1. She’s been called “foxy” so much that she thought it only natural to join Fox.
2. Mike Huckabee wrote her an email and said he was lonely.
3. It’s just another piece of her eventual presidential run — whether she runs in 2012 or beyond, she’s working to build up her audience now.
4. She needed something else to add to her resume. “I can see Russia” is now replaced with “I can see Glenn Beck!”
5. She fancies herself the next Oprah, so she wanted to get her foot in the door now in preparation for Oprah’s departure. (*tears from laughing so hard*)
By the way, what kind of contract did Fox make her sign? She’s a known quitter, so they MUST know she’s going to skip out before her contract is up...
Do you remember a few weeks back when some guy at the Mall of America tried to pelt Sarah Palin with tomatoes. The only thing sad about that story is that he missed. Dang.
However, a Costco in Utah didn’t even want to take a chance, so they temporarily removed their tomatoes from the shelves during a Palin event.
Of course, that just sets a precedent where folks across the country will need to remove various people and things to protect Failin Palin. For example:
=> Stores will need to remove shoes from their shelves, and people will need to remove their shoes at events. (If you’re wondering why, just think of Bush and his shoe-throwing foe.)
=> We’ll need to remove ALL people who have at least a third grade education. That way we can protect Sarah Failin from feeling dumb.
What else?
The Army wanted to keep the media out of Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” book event at Fort Bragg so that it didn’t turn into a political circus. They’ve since changed their mind. You can read the story here if you’re so inclined.
Now aside from that, does anyone else find it fitting that Sarah Failin Palin is going to Fort BRAGG? I mean this is the same woman who BRAGGED that she had foreign policy experience just because you can see Russia from Alaska…
Sarah Failin’s book title (Going Rogue: An American Life) comes from her 2008 election handlers, who said she was “going rogue” when she stopped listening to them. Of course now she’s getting even by gossiping about them like a girl in junior high school (Mean Girls, anyone?).
So, maybe “Going Rogue: An American Life” wasn’t her best title. May I suggest these alternatives:
1. Going Rove: An American Lie
2. Mean Girl: Petty Gossip from America’s Homecoming Queen
3. Going AWOL: The American Governor Who Couldn’t Even Serve a Full Term
4. Going AIP: An American Without Sarah Palin and Alaska
5. Going All the Way: How Sarah Palin Intends to Screw America
Sarah Failin Palin’s “Going Rogue: An American Life” is sitting on top of the bestseller charts. Seems like she’s having a decent book tour in the “Real America” (but certainly not as successful as Fox News would have you believe).
But save your money, folks. There are a whole lot better things you can do with $14.50. Such as:
1. Buy a subscription to a girly mag. Like Newsweek. I hear they’re putting pin-up girls on their covers now.
2. Buy the “Going Rogue” activity book. Heck, buy two and give one to a friend:
3. Send a small donation to your favorite wildlife conservation charity. Maybe we can prevent people from doing things like… oh, I don’t know… gunning down wolves from aircraft.
4. Send a small donation to your favorite Downs Syndrome charitable organization. Just be sure to tell them to earmark it for “education,” so that we can teach mothers of DS babies not to call them “my retarded baby.”
5. Flush your $14.50 down the toilet. Really. You’ll get more satisfaction out of doing that then you would actually reading the book.
Most folks assume that Failin is 85% finished writing a book. I assume she’s 85% finished reading a book. The lack of pictures slowed her down.
You’ve already heard the news — Sarah Failin Palin is trying to scare Joe Sixpack about the healthcare bill, saying that the government is going to set up “death panels.”
Totally false, of course.
She should just get down on her knees and thank God that the healthcare bill won’t include “Shit for Brains” panels.
I haven’t made a post in ages because I considered Sarah Palin a non-entity. Irrelevant. A big “whatever” in the world of politics.
But Failin’ Palin has something up her sleeve. Why else would she say she’s resigning as the Governor of Alaska.
Let’s see if we can come up with some reasons:
1. She’s pregnant. With Governor Sanford’s baby.
2. She (along with the Alaska Independence Party and Todd Palin) are seceeding from the U.S. And since she will no longer be a U.S. citizen, she can’t be governor.
3. She wants more time to go hike the AppalachianTrail since she heard such good things about it from Sanford.
4. She thinks “resign the Governor’s office” and “redesign the Governor’s office” mean the same thing. (And here she was hoping the RNC would spring for the office makeover.)
5. She’s… ACK!!!!… running for president in 2012.
Dear Lord, save us. Amen.
The U.S. is ecstatic. The world has breathed a sigh of relief. And what a historic event! The first black man has been elected to the highest office in the land.
But this just in… Sarah Failin Palin would like me to remind you that it would have been a historic election if the McCain / Palin ticket won. No, not because McCain would have been the oldest. And not because Sarah Failin would have been the first female VP.
No, a McCain /Failin win would have been historic because it would have taken the Bush/Cheney “war mongering” dumb-as-a-brick adminstration to a whole new level.
Aren’t you glad we didn’t elect, McCain, who crashed planes and graduated at the bottom of his class? And aren’t you glad we didn’t elect Sarah Failin, who still doesn’t even know what a vice president DOES?
*whew*
Congratulations to Barack Obama… and to AMERICA!
Governor Failin Palin has said she’ll be an advocate for special needs children in the White House. And in practically the next breath, she said she’d cut funding on fruit fly projects.
Some advocate. Governor Failin mustn’t realize that fruit fly research has aided autistic research greatly. But never mind, eh? I guess “special needs” only refers to kids like Trig Palin.
Here now is a list of how Failin Palin will advocate for special needs and other issues…
1. Kids who don’t know what the vice president does will get a special visit to their school from a Vice President Sarah Palin. These visits will start just as soon as someone explains to Failin Palin what a vice president does.
2. Special needs children will be defined as those whose families can’t afford $150,000 in clothing. If you can’t afford to shop at high-end stores, the Republican National Committee will take you on a shopping spree.
3. If you make up a crazy lie about getting attacked by an Obama supporter, you’ll get a sympathetic phone call from John McCain and Sarah Palin. The phone call will go something like this, “It’s ok you lied. We lie all the time too. By the way — would you like a Cabinent position?”
4. If you don’t have a Christian God, a minister will be appointed to you until such time that you fully believe… or at least until you start voting Republican. After all, Palin herself says, “God will do the right thing for America” on November 4th.
5. If you don’t live in the Pro-America — AKA the “real” parts of this country — and yet you want to vote for McCain / Palin, then your moving expenses will be paid for in full by a McCain/Palin adminstration.