Archive for the ‘Democrats’ Category
The U.S. is ecstatic. The world has breathed a sigh of relief. And what a historic event! The first black man has been elected to the highest office in the land.
But this just in… Sarah Failin Palin would like me to remind you that it would have been a historic election if the McCain / Palin ticket won. No, not because McCain would have been the oldest. And not because Sarah Failin would have been the first female VP.
No, a McCain /Failin win would have been historic because it would have taken the Bush/Cheney “war mongering” dumb-as-a-brick adminstration to a whole new level.
Aren’t you glad we didn’t elect, McCain, who crashed planes and graduated at the bottom of his class? And aren’t you glad we didn’t elect Sarah Failin, who still doesn’t even know what a vice president DOES?
*whew*
Congratulations to Barack Obama… and to AMERICA!
Last night’s debate between Barack Obama and John McCain gave those of us who’ve never been on the inside of the “Big House” an idea of what death row looks like. Just imagine a bunch of John McCain-like folks sitting in cells, knowing there’s a countdown clock on their life. (Except in the case of John McCain, that clock is ticking down his political life.)
I’ve always imagined death row to be a bit looney. The people sentenced to die have to be few fries short of a happy meal to do whatever crime they committed. And just sitting there waiting to die must make a few snakes crawl into their head.
That’s why I imagine Death Row to be full of cackling, maniacal laughter and smarmy “used car dealer” smiles. You know what I’m talking about — the kind of stuff you saw coming out of John McCain last night.
Meanwhile, there’s “cool as a cucumber” Barack Obama. He’s like the warden. He’s just a professional doing his job. He doesn’t let the Death Row antics get under his skin. He knows these poor inmates have no pleasure left in life except to prod him and try to rattle him.
It doesn’t work. Try as John McCain did last night to get under Obama’s skin, he couldn’t. He couldn’t rattle him. He couldn’t make Obama look less presidential and professional. He couldn’t force an error or a gaffe.
Obama remained cool. Maybe he felt pity for the old man, almost as if he could see the political clock ticking over John McCain’s head. And Obama knew it would be just matter of time — 19 days to be exact — when we’d hear the call throughout the U.S. as John McCain is lead away, “Dead man walking…”
My Fellow Alaskans Americans,
Let’s face it — emotions are getting over heated at rallies and around the Internet. Things are getting out of hand. It’s time for some Straight Talk (which is the only kind we’ll allow around here, as Governor Sarah Failin would like to ban gay-themed books).
You’re scared. You’re watching the stock market plunge and your 401k right along with it. You got job worries. The price of milk keeps you up at night.
And then Ol’ Man McCain and I have added to your fears by putting forth the idea that Obama is a terrorist — or at least he pals around with them.
So what’s the truth?
Let’s look at a few of your top worries:
You’re worried Obama is a socialist.
Let’s define socialism so we’re all on the same page…
From Wikipedia: Socialists mainly share the belief that capitalism unfairly concentrates power and wealth into a small section of society who control capital, and creates an unequal society. All socialists advocate the creation of an egalitarian society, in which wealth and power are distributed more evenly, although there is considerable disagreement among socialists over how, and to what extent this could be achieved.
American people, don’t worry about Obama. If socialism scares the bediddles out of you, then you should be scared of me, not Obama. After all, I (Governor Sarah Failin Palin) am the one who got sky-high approval ratings in Alaska by giving every Alaskan resident a nice check from the oil companies.
That’s right — I took money from the rich oil companies so they’re less rich. Gawd, I’m such a socialist. Heh. And you guys are wringing your hands about Obama.
You’re worried Obama has radical ties.
Ayers, Wright, Muslim, terrorist. We like to throw words around just to plant a seed in your head that Obama has radical ties.
Tell you what — we’re just trying to distract you.
That’s because I (Governor Sarah Failin) sleeps with a terrorist person with the most radical ties of all. Todd Failin hates America so much that he was a member of the Alaskan Independence Party (AIP) for seven years. This is a group that wants Alaska to break away from America.
(Do YOU hate America so much that you want to break away from the U.S.? I didn’t think so…)
When I’m vice president, Alaskan’s secession of this cesspool of a country will be my top priority. After all, I promised my husband Todd. And since I copy him on all government emails and since he sits in on top-level meetings, he would know if I wasn’t keeping my promise.
You’re worried about Obama’s former church.
Please. I’m the looney tunes in this category. At my church I get blessings to protect me from witchcraft and we speak in tongues. I think I probably win the top award for “religulous.” (Thanks Bill M.)
You’re worried a Palin and McCain — ooops, I mean McCain and Palin adminstration won’t be a good steward of the economy.
OK, score one for you. You SHOULD be worried about your job, the price of gas and your 401k if we get into office. Give us four years and a loaf of bread will be worth more than your house.
Ol “Snakes in the Head” McCain has admitted he doesn’t know a lick about the economy. And I admit I don’t know a thing about anything.
So yeah, worry. And worry hard…
